auslander Thu May 24, 2018 12:30 pm
Breaking news!!!!! Just in!!!!!!!
An attempted attack was made on the new Kerch Straights Bridge. A spy, supposedly in the pay of President Putin's house boy, provided FSB with the inside poop!
11 AMish, Tuesday. Poroshenko gives the OK for the attack in between bouts of uncontrollable flatulence, brought on by one too many helpings of good Lemberg breakfast salo, and the one semi flight capable wheezing old Orcland AF Mig advances to the runway near Kherson Aerodrome, a bomb under each wing with the date ‘Made in SSSR March, 1952’ clearly visible through the delicate patina of rust.
15:27 After extensive efforts to locate enough kerosene for the fuel tanks ending in a 200 l drum of same being confiscated from an 89 year old lady, veteran of The War, who beat the mortal crap out of the first five echelons of Aidar Warriors only to stop the fight with the sixth echelon when it was her afternoon nap time, the Mig staggers down the runway and mere millimeters from the end manages to get high enough to just nip the tops of the cattails in the local 220 hectare sewage swamp.
Clawing for altitude and eventually reaching the near stratosphere at 62 meters of height, the pilot, one Pavlo (he can never remember his last name and his mother has no idea what his patronymic should be…they called her ‘slippers’ because everyone tried her on), glances at the compass and realizes he is flying due west. Since the Kerch Bridge is in theory relatively due east, he manages, after a series of gentle right turns (the ancient beast will not turn left), to fly in the general direction of the Sea of Azov. Rumor has it that his target is there.
17:59 Reaching the Sea of Azov, our intrepid and gallant warrior looks to his left, then to his right and, after mentally flipping a coin chooses to turn right (this choice possibly influenced by his inability to turn left) and begins a visual search for his target.
17:59:03 Local Russian Air Defense units, comprising 7 S 300 batteries, 11 S 400 batteries and a regiment of Pantsir systems, acquire a somewhat meandering target flying in an unauthorized zone in the general direction of the Kerch Bridge, height adjudged to be roughly 3.5 meters above the surface of the Azov and at the hypersonic speed of 87 kph.
17:59:11. Before the Russian Air Defense units could fire, a 7 year old Russian boy out fishing with his father in a 3 m aluminium punt espies the wandering Mig,whips out his sling shot and lofts one walnut at the Mig. He scores a direct hit on the Mig, and since the cockpit canopy hasn’t closed in years the direct hit was actually on Pavlo’s right temple. This sudden blow disoriented Pavlo who suddenly shoved the stick as far forward as it could go, which was not far after it got jammed on the 20 year old remains of a large dead rat.
Russian Air Defense Radar watched in amazement as they tracked the walnut from launch to impact and the subsequent impact of the Mig with the surface of the Sea of Azov roughly 400 meters from the Kerch Bridge.
On impact, the automatic pilot ejection system worked, after a fashion, and Pavlo was launched from the Mig, in theory straight up to allow the air frame to clear Pavlo’s descent path. Unfortunately for Pavlo, with his extremely high speed of 87 kph his forward trajectory did not stop as he reached the somewhat higher than system designed max height of 314 meters.
Arching gently downward, Pavlo cleared the two center bridge structures, much to his relief, but he did notice that his downward rush seemed to be increasing in speed, not decreasing. Glancing up, he saw what should have been his parachute streaming wildly in tatters, about like a lady of questionable virtue’s bloomers in a hurricane. Resigning himself to his fate of dying for the motherland, Pavlo impacted the water 50 meters south of the railroad bridge superstructure and, as luck would have it, right beside a construction barge servicing divers hunting unexploded ordinance from the Great Patriotic War. The divers wasted no time in pulling Pavlo from the deep mud he impacted feet first 10 meters below the water surface and managed to drag him, spluttering and screaming, from the warm mud and waters of the Azov.
AAR, Orcland Air Force (hereafter known as 'OAF') attack on Kerch Straights Bridge
1. The 7 year old boy’s father was given a fine of 15 rubles for fishing with no license.
2. The 7 year old boy will be taken to Kremlin in June, where he will be awarded Hero of Russia for his gallant defense of the Kerch Bridge.
3. Pavlo no patronymic no family name was tossed in a rowboat with the intention of being dumped out on the beaches south of Mariupol with the firm admonition to not try that stunt again. After launching himself off the vessel three times, being fished out of the water with a boat hook and begging not to be sent back to Orcland, the Kommandeer of the rowboat called his Sarjant, who called his Starshi Sarjant, who called his Lutanant, who called his Starshi Lutanant, who called his Kapitan, who called his Maiyor, who called his Pol Polkovnik. Pol Polkovnik made the command decision to bring Pavlo back to Russian territory and from there Pavlo will be sent to work as a farm hand on Pol Polkovnik’s father’s idyllic little farm 400 kilometers north of Olmsk.
4. Orcland demanded an urgent UNSC meeting to address the blatant aggression of Russia against Orcland. After being shown a video of Pavlo’s aircraft impacting the Sea of Azov in a wild spray of mud and water and Pavlo himself arching up and over the Kerch Bridge, UNSC dissolved in laughter and voted the video best comedy of the year.
5. Some obscure pantie waisted gomik putting in time at an equally obscure ‘news agency’ in CehSha condemned the violent shoot down of a peaceful OAF plane which was delivering humanitarian aid to the starving citizens of Burundi.
Last edited by auslander on Thu May 24, 2018 2:24 pm; edited 1 time in total
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