OminousSpudd wrote: Scratch that, get three jobs, I'll move over and get studied up on Russian, meet a girl and settle down, we can all kickback in Krim with Auslander and co.
You can come for a visit any time, just follow the rules:
1. The ladies must be in proper attire, including ankle length skirts, blouses with long sleeves and high collars. Ladies must have hair longer than 50 cm. Gentlemen must have hair shorter than 50 cm. and should not wear skirts and blouses.
2. No spitting, swearing or body noises in public.
3. When a black S Klasse with darkened windows passes you on the streets you will doff your hat and bow humbly.
4. No disruption of vehicular traffic is allowed. This means you will be fined if you are clumsy enough to trip and fall in our sainted street pot holes, some of which are so old they have names and honorary plaques proudly counting the number of axles they have broken.
5. Please do not pick your nose or clean your ears when listening to our politicians pontificate in regards to how great they are and their vast accomplishments.
6. It is considered bad form to void one's bladder on the hood of the odd seven ton SUV parked on our sidewalks. These people are important and do not have the time to find a parking place.
7. It is not allowed to denigrate in any way our honored guests from up north. All those military age young men with the AH (AN) and BB (VV) tags on their cars are fulfilling important coordination and support tasks for their honored and revered brothers fighting in the lines of Novorossiya.
8. It is not allowed to denigrate in any way our honored guests from Kiev. Those worthy and valiant men with the AA tags on their cars are important resistance members struggling against the coup d'etat in Kiev for two years.
9. Please do not make fun of our tourists. I know it is an annoyance to see them waddling down the middle of the streets with their gaggle of children and 100 kilo wives but be patient with them. After all most have never seen a paved, after a fashion, street and heavy traffic to them means two cows and a tractor on their local streets. Please kindly pick up the trash they accidentally drop on our streets. It is quite difficult for them to drop their half eaten sandwich in that trash container 10 cm away.
10. When driving on our streets please remember that those pretty red, green and yellow lights that change colors in seemingly random fashion are not Christmas lights. If the light is for instance red try to slow down to at maximum 80 kph as you pass the light.
11. Do not go to our beaches from May to October without taking your heart meds with you.
12. While at our beaches please remember proper attire. If you are over 80 years it is recommended that ladies wear both parts of their bathing suits and gentlemen kindly refrain from wearing thongs.
Please remember these basic rules for proper behavior and enjoy your visit to our pleasant little city. If you see us in City Center Park please do not touch our dogs. Trust me, Aleksandr and Yekatarina do not like you.